Oh no it isn’t
It’s panto time, with the government joining in the spirit singing from a song sheet entitled Backing Your Business: Our Plan For Small And Medium-Sized Businesses. Here’s an excerpt.
Through our Plan for Change, we will make the UK the best place to start and grow a business, with a culture that supports businesses in every community and high street. This government is determined to remove the barriers that have held back Britain’s risk-takers for too long. We want to breathe new life into our high streets, support traders, those just starting out, and businesses that are ready to take the next step and grow.
Growth is this government’s number one mission and small and medium-sized businesses are the engine room. Your success is critical for delivering our Plan for Change. You are not just businesses – you are the nation’s dreamers and doers, innovators, the beating heart of communities, and the backbone of the economy. But for too long, the odds have been against you, as previous governments let problems stack up – leaving businesses dealing with endless red tape, struggling to access finance and navigating additional trade barriers. You should be able to focus on what you do best: building and growing great businesses. Small and medium-sized businesses and their representatives have worked with us to co-design this plan, and we will continue to deliver it in partnership.
SME owners listened, they can take a joke, preferably after a glass or three, along with the mandatory “Drink responsibly” mantras, but as well as Mad Ed, and his pricey toy windmills, the Cinderella of business has two ugly sisters, Rachel and Angela, and a supporting cast of myopic wicked uncles skulking in The Treasury.
Rachel, pouting in front of mirror, mirror on the wall, has been facelifting her CV for so long that the poor woman has turned to a comedy routine to bolster her role. Heard her latest?
“There is no link between my NIC rises and the 24% rise in unemployment.” Boom boom! That had them rolling in the aisles.
Not to be outdone, Angela, poor forgetful Angela when it comes to sorting that dragon Tax Collector, tried to beat her with, “I am going to give workers full employment rights, including unfair dismissal protection, from day one of their new job.” That one had the employment lawyers squeaking with joy as they scuttled around the cellars of the castle, life has been tough for them since that overfed, human rights tribe colonised the top floor.
Angela’s plans were vetoed by those leaping Lords, but she threatened to “scweam and scweam until she made herself thick”: so they let her have some of them.
So poor SME Cinderella is buckling down to her chores, somebody has to feed the useless ruling clique. Cue cheers from the crowd of genuine workers, thrilled to find that the minimum wage has increased. But now they pay even more income tax, to support the scandalous payouts to those who are even better off but on benefits, claiming the latest of 27 newly discovered mental illnesses: some spelt SCAM?
Along comes the Fairy Godmother.
“You shall go to the ball, Cinders,” she cried. “Our Golden Coach plan for small and medium-sized businesses awaits at the door and you shall dance with Prince Charming Starmer, just back from his £38bn package fling in the Chagos Islands, turning it into a Chinese takeaway.”
Poor SME Cinderella. Her family had died and the dreaded IHT gang had thieved the few baubles her much missed folks had left for her. But she put on her usual cheerful smile, plucked the pile of poultry the kitchen was demanding, scrubbed up, threw on her best Matalan frock and opened the door marked The Golden Coach (AKA Backing Your Business: Our Plan For Small And Medium-Sized Businesses), only to reveal…
Just another turkey.
Well, it is Christmas. And it is government. What did you expect?
Robert Lefroy, Group Editor, Business Money.